I will say that I absolutely love having my friend for six years back in my life. He & I fight/argue, say mean things, say we hate each other & got months/years without talking but I KNOW that he is the absolute one person I can be 100% real with. Even when I do not want to be. I told him last night I don’t enjoy being this weak person that I am right now because this person isn’t me, I probably repeated that a few times I think & I get this

“& stop saying you’re weak. You’re one of the strongest people I know, opening up doesn’t make u weak.”

Why he chose to spell out ‘you’re’ & not ‘u’ is beyond me. haha, but I needed that. I needed the one person who knows me like the back of his hand to tell me that. I do have a “tall wall” as he described built up & I have no intention of letting it down anytime soon, I just cant bring myself too right now. Every time I do I end up getting hurt & once I can realize not everyone is going to hurt me, maybe then I will lower down that wall.

I am certainly happy though I have my best friend back.

I just told my friend this the other day. I am such a flight risk. I have gotten way to good at falling off the face of the earth & not returning calls, texts, messages, anything. I am trying to be like that anymore though. I have been broken & beaten here lately & I am back to ground 0 starting all over again. Don’t get me wrong I don’t mind change but I do not enjoy EVERY SINGLE THING CHANGING AT ONCE. That is too much & too rough on me at times. I have tried though to take up journal-ing as a way to calm my thoughts & my nerves & it is actually working somewhat. Now only if I could get up & actually do something with my life, but you have to have friends to do anything & the friends I have are in a county I cannot even drive through without breaking down. Sad, I know. I have lived in Angelina County for a year & a half now & I have not one friend here, & it is now starting to suck because right now I REALLY DO NEED A FRIEND HERE. I am so ready to just get away, California in a month, tomorrow, & I swear no one will hear from me in a week. I wont answer calls/texts, I wont even get on any social network site, I need that time to myself. I deserve it after all the crap I have been through lately.

okay, if you look at my life from this point last year i am way better off emotionally & physically (haha). but why do i feel so dang miserable. i can’t tell if it is because this time last year i was at the lowest point of my entire life? or am i truly unhappy? i mean i am not depressed as last year, not even close, but i’d like to maybe know what the heck i really am..

i thought i was happy, honestly i thought so, i mean you’d never ever see me upset for long. but i have come to the conclusion i am not where i wish i could be in life.. i mean i wanna go to school & i wanna get an education but on the other hand i just don’t care! i want to travel, i want to take pictures, i want to see something other than where i have always been.

times like these i wish i had a best friend.

(insert an insanely loud, angry, upset, scream here).

Just another ‘religious’ rant from me.. ignore if you DON’T want your feelings or beliefs ‘hurt’..

Okay, so talking with a family member this weekend (& going along with how & what i belief) it really confirmed to me that I am not crazy. I have grown up living a ‘Christian’ life & going to a Baptist church & listening & believing every word that was ever fed to me. But I am my own person now & I believe I now have the right to stick up for how & what I believe.

I do NOT understand WHY, when the Bible says, to love each other & treated each other as one wants to be treated, & to respect, & care, & all of that jazz & yet CHRISTIAN people want to treat people who are ANY BIT DIFFERENT than ‘TEXTBOOK CHRISTIAN’S’ like they are sinners automatically & going to Hell. WTF?!

I will admit, proudly, that I support Gay Marriage. What is wrong with loving who they wanna love? Isn’t God love? Thought so. Children/Kids/Teens/Young Adults DO NOT CHOSE TO BE ‘GAY’, ‘TRANSGENDER’, ‘BISEXUAL’, & all of the things pertaining to that to GO THROUGH ALL THE BULLYING & RIDICULE THAT THEY GO THROUGH! I mean who would want to live a life like that UNLESS you are truly what you are?! I honestly believe in the words of the amazing Lady Gaga’s Born this way CD. (Lady Gaga for president <3).

God is the ONLY judge we EVER need to worry about. No one in this world has the RIGHT to judge ANYONE for ANYTHING! That is what I believe, if I go through life serving the one & only Jesus Christ & I live my life not judge a soul for being who & what they are, & who & what they believe then I HONESTLY BELIEVE I am living my life well. & if I am wrong or right with how I choose to live my life then when I die, I will find out! UNTIL then NO ONE has ANY RIGHT to tell me I wrong or JUDGE me (or anyone else for that matter) for what I (or someone else) soul-ly believes in.

<3.

You know, I dont like breaking hearts as much as a select few seem to think I do.. /:

Never have been a heartbreaker & I never will be, I cannot help the fact I’m NOT looking & YOU can’t understand that. :(